Hungry Crows

It started as just a cute idea for picking up litter. Train crows to pick up cigarette butts and put them in a container in exchange for food. Basic Pavlov training. It was working pretty good too, I never realized how smart crows are. Every day I would go for walks around the city and see crows walking around looking for butts on the ground, and you could see their excitement when they found one. They’d sometimes do a little wing flap or stop hopping to the cigarette. One day, they figured they could grab cigarettes right out of people’s hands or mouths and fly away. People would be having their morning smoke and get attacked by crows, but this was solved pretty quickly by making sure the machine that gave them food only accepted the smaller butts and not an entire cigarette. The crows were smart and realized they weren’t getting food for ones people were holding, so went back to picking them up from the ground.

Someone smarter than me realized how smart crows are and how to train them. He started a small business in my town, aimed at helping people that want to stop smoking by using these crows. I’m not sure about all the details, but he somehow trained a group of crows to know who they can steal cigarettes from. It was a cheap service, only fifteen dollars a month. I started it two weeks ago and I’m wishing I never started. I didn’t realize there wasn’t a way to back out of this, a way to stop the crows.

After signing up, it took about a week for him to train the crows to know me. The first couple days were actually funny. I noticed a group of crows always around me somewhere, whether it be sitting on a power line or in a tree or on a roof, but they were always somewhere close and watching. My very first cigarette was to test these crows, I took it out of a fresh pack and a crow grabbed it out of my hand before I could even get it to my mouth. These crows were ready and fast, but I was most surprised by their precision. Like a hawk grabbing a field mouse. I admit I was amazed and excited for this. I had been trying to stop smoking for years at this point, and this finally seemed like it would work. Every time I tried to smoke, a crow would come and grab it, only rarely even brushing my hand or any other part of my body.

The only part I hated during that first week was when I was inside my house, especially at night. I could always look out a window and see the crows sitting somewhere close, watching me. I never smoked inside before this, but I was curious what would happen if I tried. I took out a cigarette and about a dozen crows went wild. They start squaking and tapping on every window that they could see me from until I put the cigarette away. Just as effective as stealing them from my hand. During one of the nights, I got out of bed and accidentally looked out of my bedroom window. My window sill was covered in crows staring at me. I knew they weren’t going to get in, but just the idea of being watched all night gave me chills.

I think I’m starting to get over the hump now at least. I’m having less urges to smoke, but I’ve been miserable. It doesn’t feel like it’s my decision to stop anymore, I just want my freedom to smoke back. Imagine if you were trying to stop eating red meats, so you hired a person to smack a burger or steak out from in front of you anytime you were about to eat. That’s how I feel. I just want a cigarette. I tried calling the guy that trains them and told him I want to stop the program, but he explained that it’s out of his hands at this point. The crows want their food and don’t care about what I want, they just stare at me with their dark eyes waiting for me to bring out another ticket for their food. I’ve even tried driving far away, but I can see them following my car in my mirrors. I just wonder how long these crows will follow me without me trying to smoke until they give up. The trainer said he wasn’t sure how long it would be either, but all the other people in the program have been getting followed still even though they stopped smoking a month ago. I just hope they give up soon.